Why is Marriage Difficult?

Marriage is a learning process. In a successful marriage we gradually learn who the other person is and they learn who we are. As with all learning, this is a painful process at times; at times it is a delight. William James said that there are six personalities involved in every relationship: What he thinks he is, what she thinks he is and what he really is; and vice versa, what she thinks she is, what he thinks she is and what she really is. Couples need to sort out all of these personalities, real and imagined. This takes time and patience.

     

Marriage can be the most difficult and frustrating relationship we’ve ever experienced as well as the most intimate, loving and secure relationship possible. Marriages typically go through several stages of development. In the initial stage, often called the honeymoon phase, we expect our mate to meet our every need and we expect him or her to be like we are. This is a self-centered stage; we are mainly concerned about our own wishes and we have little understanding of our mate and his needs or wishes.

     

Since both partners are largely concerned about themselves, a power struggle emerges. This is settled, after some struggle and negotiation, by bargaining agreements —“You do this for me and I’ll do that for you.” The power struggle/negotiation stage is often where couples are stuck.

     

In the third stage of marital development couples learn to appreciate each other’s individuality and they learn to give. They value their differences and encourage each other’s growth. They have changed. They have not changed who they are or their temperament, but they have changed their habits, their attitudes, their reactions and their responses to each other. They may even show their love by giving what the other wants or needs without thought of being repaid and even with some inconvenience to themselves.

     

Couples often remain stuck in the second stage. The key to a successful marriage is to be willing to learn from every problem or conflict without trying to make your partner also learn. If you change, your partner will come along. Marriages become stuck when both partners avoid change. We need to let go of old habits and learn to see things from a different perspective.

     

If you are stuck in stage two it may help to approach each other in a different way than you usually do. Begin with positive things you feel about each other. Ask for your partner’s opinion before you give your own. Listen carefully to what he or she says and try to put yourself in your partner’s shoes. Listen to your partner’s thoughts without jumping to defend yourself.

“Change your ways. Encourage each other. Live in harmony and peace.  2 Corinthians 13:11 NLT

Blessings, Dottie

The Birthday of the Church

Most Christians know that the birth of the church occurred on the day of Pentecost, but I suspect most Christians don't know what Pentecost meant to the Jewish people at that time. Pentecost was a Jewish festival fifty days after Passover. It  celebrated the giving of the law to Moses and two loaves were offered to God in gratitude for the harvest. The Jewish law required that no work be done on the day of Pentecost. Crowds of Jews gathered in Jerusalem from various countries to celebrate this Jewish festival.

The Disciples Waited in Prayer
At the Ascension Jesus ordered the disciples to go to Jerusalem and wait. Just wait. Waiting is not easy for most of us but they obeyed. Scripture says:

"They all joined together constantly in prayer." (Acts1:14)

There were 120 believers gathered together including the disciples, and other followers, both men and women and Jesus brothers. They prayed for ten days! Perhaps this is a lesson to us that we need to pray more in order for the church to be in tune with and full of Holy Spirit power.

The Day of Pentecost
On the day of Pentecost the disciples were in the upper room praying. Scripture says: When the day of Pentecost came, they were all together in one place. Suddenly a sound like the blowing of a violent wind came from heaven and filled the whole house where they were sitting. They saw what seemed to be tongues of fire that separated and came to rest on each of them.All of them were filled with the Holy Spirit and began to speak in other tongues as the Spirit enabled them. (Acts 2:1-4).

Hearing the noise, a crowd gathered. Peter preached to the throng of people. He gave a powerful, convicting message explaining that Jesus was crucified, died and rose again. He ascended to the right hand of God and sent the promised Holy Spirit.
When the people heard Peter's message, "they were cut to the heart and said to Peter and the other apostles, "Brothers, what shall we do?" (Acts 2:37)

Peter replied, "Repent and be baptized, every one of you, in the name of Jesus Christ for the forgiveness of your sins. And you will receive the gift of the Holy Spirit. The promise is for you and your children and for all who are far off-for all whom the Lord our God will call."

 

With many other words he warned them; and he pleaded with them, "Save yourselves from this corrupt generation."Those who accepted his message were baptized, and about three thousand were added to their number that day. (Acts 2:38-41)

Following this "They devoted themselves to the apostles teaching and to the fellowship, to the breaking of bread and to prayer....And the Lord added to their number daily those who were being saved." (Acts 2:42, 2:47)

As a result of this small group of Holy Spirit empowered men and women, within a century half the then-known world came to Christ.

There is so much more in the first two chapters of Acts. Read all of it today; learn more and be inspired by the birthday of the Church. And vow to spend more time in prayer and in the Word.

Blessings, Dottie

Red Words in Scripture

DO NOT DIVORCE

Matt. 5:31-32 Do not divorce except for unfaithfulness as this equals adultery.

Matt. 19:9 Anyone who divorces his wife, except for marital unfaithfulness, and marries another woman commits adultery.

Mark 10: 11  Anyone who divorces his wife and marries another woman commits adultery against her. And if she divorces her husband and marries another man, she commits adultery.

Luke 16:18   Anyone who divorces his wife and marries another woman commits adultery and the man who marries a divorced woman commits adultery.

DO NOT DIVORCE

Father,

“Do not divorce” seems harsh in view of our culture’s acceptance of divorce, in view of how difficult marriage is, and in view of the fact we are all sinners. On the other hand, look what has happened to our culture with the acceptance of divorce. Families are torn apart. Many children know only one parent. Extended family members lose beloved in-laws or aunts and uncles. The easy acceptance of divorce has devastated the foundation of our culture – the family.

Nelson’s Illustrated Bible Dictionary says that Jesus’ point here was that divorce was contrary to God’s plan for marriage and should never be taken lightly. Hayford’s Bible Dictionary says “Behind every broken marriage is a heart hardened against God, then hardened against one’s mate.” This rings true to me as a counselor, for at least one of the two people divorcing. 

Father,

I thank you for your plan of life long marriage. I also thank you for my marriage which survived in spite of my hard heart and controlling ways. Marriage has enriched my life in so many ways - with my husband’s friendship and love, with children, grandchildren, and wonderful memories.  Even the struggles blessed us and forced us to grow throughout more than fifty years together.

I pray couples will honor their vows to each other and to you and will stay together. 

HOW DO WE AFFECT EACH OTHER?

Couples blame each other for the problems in their relationship. Actually, the problems are often the result of a circular interaction. Each person’s behavior is the result of an action that preceded it and is also a trigger for the partner’s action that follows it. For example, a husband may work late. The wife may interpret his coming home late as lack of love for her so she withdraws emotionally and won’t allow touching. He then stays late at work again because of her withdrawal.

Couples also develop balance in the roles they assume. If one person is very responsible about keeping the house clean, the other one may be more casual or even sloppy. Michele Weiner-Davis in her book Divorce Busting compares this type of balancing to what happens when riding a tandem bicycle. If one person stops pedaling, the other one must do all the work. 

     

Notice the behavior between you that you want to have happen more frequently. Often couples stop doing fun things together or stop being affectionate with each other because of a negative cycle. What they don’t realize is that the lack of these fun or affectionate behaviors increases and compounds the problems between them. 

     

The reverse is also true. Enjoyment in a relationship does much to help us forget the hurt or the differences. Couples don’t realize that changes in behavior lead to changes in their positive feelings toward each other. Feelings don’t change first, in other words. What do you want your marriage to be like? What kinds of things do you want your partner to do that will show you that he/she cares? What kinds of things does your partner want you to do that will show him/her you care? What were each of you doing when things were going well that you are no longer doing?

If we want romance in our marriage we must purposely act in romantic ways toward our partner. Give spontaneous hugs and kisses. Give compliments. Send cards and flowers. Spend fun time together. Go out together. Our feelings toward others don’t just happen. Our own actions and involvement with our partner shape our feelings. Therefore, if we “act romantic” we will feel more loving. If we give of ourselves to the other person we will feel more commitment.

“Do for others what you would like them to do for you.” Matt. 7:12 NLT

Blessings, Dottie

Challenging Red Words in Scripture

DO NOT COMMIT ADULTERY

Matt. 5:27 Do not commit adultery.  Don’t lust in your body or in your heart. Live a morally pure life no matter what it costs.

Mark 10:18  Do not commit adultery.

Luke 18:20  Do not commit adultery.

Questions to Ponder:

What am I looking at? What do I desire? 

Where is my focus - on what the world offers or on what God desires?

DO NOT COMMIT ADULTERY

Father,

Help me recognize when I lust in my heart. We live in such a sexualized and materialistic world it is difficult not to be influenced by the images we see on TV or elsewhere. We must guard our thoughts and keep them true to Him and true and pure toward our partner in marriage. 

It’s also common to lust for “things” and rationalize that it’s OK to buy things for myself, for the house, for my family. Ironically, Christmas, the celebration of your birth here on earth, is one of the most difficult times in this regard. We give and receive a lot from our family. But what do we spend helping the least of these? Help me keep my focus on you and listen to you in this area.

CUT OFF/OUT WHAT CAUSES SIN

Matt. 5:29-30 Cut off/out whatever causes sin.

Matt. 18:7-9  Get rid of or cut yourself off from anything that causes you to sin.

Mark 9:43-48 Cut off/out what ever causes sin.

CUT OFF/OUT WHAT CAUSES SIN

Father, 

This is a difficult commandment though I understand it’s necessity. My most difficult sins to overcome are my self-centeredness, my anger and my need to control my life. You have opened my heart a great deal and have helped me focus more on others. Your Word has helped me understand that feelings come and go and are like a ship tossed about in the sea. I’ve learned most of the time to bring my anger to you and to realize it often stems from my self-centeredness, wanting things my way. My controlling personality has also been gradually changed some. You have been gentle with me in all of these so I’m growing toward the goal of your perfect love. Keep on pruning me.

Blessings, Dottie

Can a love/hate relationship ever change?

A love/hate relationship is one in which couples can't live with each other but they also can't live apart. Some caring or dependency holds them together in spite of much unhappiness. No marriage is free of ambivalence. We all experience some disappointment in our marriage. However, a love/hate relationship is characterized by bickering, anger, bitterness, and blame.

     

Love/hate relationships provide little happiness, love or warmth, but they do provide security. These couples are often stuck in destructive complimentary patterns—mother/son, daddy/baby or master/slave, for example. The best marriages are based on mutual support and allow both individuals room to grow. Love/hate relationships stunt the growth of both partners.

Ironically, the partners in love/hate relationships are most in need of love and support. The basis for their destructive pattern is rooted in childhood abuse or neglect. Each partner is consciously or unconsciously expecting the partner to make up for all the lacks from their childhood. At the same time there is an underlying belief that they do not deserve the love they crave. They expect and demand love yet push it away when it is offered.

Because the childhood traumas and deficits were so overwhelming there is an inability to show neediness or even an outright denial of vulnerability. Little or no empathy was shown them as children. As a result they withhold their own caring for fear of being too vulnerable. This sounds pretty hopeless, but it isn't.

Couples who have faith in God and a meaningful connection to a church can overcome past patterns through acceptance of God’s love and purpose in their life. A life-changing faith in God can be life-changing in the marriage, also.  

Couples in a love/hate relationship often love each other deeply but are caught up in their own needs and in their negative interactions. To change these interactions they need to:

      1.  Stop the angry interactions, they only do harm.

      2. Apologize. Take responsibility for your own part in the problems.

      3. Give and receive support to each other. 

      4. Communicate in a constructive way - this means listening to the other's point of view, avoiding labels, blaming, or criticism.

      5. See one's partner realistically, as a person with needs, wants, hurts and vulnerabilities.

      6. Nurture each other; learn to make up for some of the childhood lacks. 

      7. Take the risk of sharing your vulnerability; be open and this will eventually encourage your partner to be so.      

      8. Build fun times into your marriage; develop a sense of humor even about your repetitive problems.

      9. Assume the best about your partner; be empathic.

    10. Work on your own childhood issues so they won't be played out in your marriage. 

     

Marriage enrichment programs and counseling can help couples take the above steps necessary to change a love/hate relationship into a supportive, satisfying one. Couples married for a long time can continue to grow and change. Their maturity is an asset in tackling difficult problems. 

“Hatred starts fights, but love pulls a quilt over the bickering.” Proverbs 10:12 The Message

Blessings, Dottie

Ascension Day 2012

High and Lifted Up!                                                                                                               Scripture tells us that forty days after Jesus resurrection, that is, forty days after Easter, He ascended to heaven. This means that Ascension Day 2012 is tomorrow, May 17th.

The Scripture account in Luke reports:

Luke 24:50- 52 When he had led them out to the vicinity of Bethany, he lifted up his hands   and blessed them. While he was blessing them, he left them and was taken up into heaven. Then they worshiped him and   returned to Jerusalem with great joy. And they stayed continuously at the temple, praising God.

The Ascension of Jesus is also reported in Acts 1. Forty days after his resurrection, Jesus met His disciples on the Mount of Olives. Imagine their excitement, believing that now Jesus would establish His kingdom on earth and fulfill the great promise the Jews had clung to for centuries. Christ would be king, not just of Israel but of the whole world. Then the moment was upon them; their beloved Jesus was with them. Acts 1:6-12 then reports:

They asked Him, ”Lord, are you at this time going to restore the kingdom to Israel?”

He said to them, “It is not for you to know the times of dates the Father has set by his own authority. But you will receive power when the Holy Spirit comes on you; and you will be my witnesses in Jerusalem, and in all Judea and Samaria, and to the ends of the earth.”

After he said this, he was taken up before their very eyes, and a cloud hid him from their sight.

They were looking intently into the sky as he was going, when suddenly two men dressed in white stood before them. “Men of Galilee,” they said, “why do you stand here looking into the sky? This same Jesus, who has been taken from you into heaven, will come back in the same way you have seen him go into heaven.

We need to take note today of this amazing event in history. Barclay says, “The Ascension was an absolute necessity. There had to be a final moment when Jesus was taken back to the glory that was his.” He notes that the end of his resurrection appearances had to come to a definite end rather than just peter out. Also he says, “If Jesus was to give his followers unanswerable proof that he had returned to glory the Ascension was absolutely necessary.”

There is much to ponder about this amazing event in history when Jesus returned to glory.

Blessings, Dottie